An Honest Reflection Of My Son Turning One

(Caution: This may be a bit emotional for some to read) 

I rolled up to the order board at Tim Horton’s earlier this week and noticed they were advertising smile cookie week. My son was born during smile cookie week which really got me in the feels and let the reality officially sink in that his first birthday is upon us. 

I’ve been giving the small talk version of how I feel about my first baby turning one. The small talk version isn’t the honest version though. 

It hit me a few weeks ago when I stood there looking like a crazy person with tears rolling down my cheeks observing a willow tree. Why was I crying at the sight of a willow tree? Because just under a year before I took my son to that same willow tree as one of our first family outings when he was just three weeks old. 

I remembered the flustered feelings I felt trying to figure out how to get his stroller fan to work. How worried I was that he would be too hot or get stung by a bee somehow even though he was fully shielded by a bug net. 

I stood there looking at this tree and realized that we had hit the end of all his first seasons. This is now his second Spring season coming to this willow tree with me. We had also hit the end of my firsts as a new mom with a new baby. I’m no longer flustered by the little things. We have a routine down now and I’ve gained so much more confidence since the time he was at this tree last as a newborn baby with his brand new mom. 

Just as we’ve found our stride, I’m about to send him to daycare. Which feels like I’m “letting him go” even though that’s not at all the case. I know it will be good for him to play with other kids. I know it will be good for me to get back to my own rhythm again at work. 

Yet, it still feels like the door is closing because it’s the end of the first chapter for us. We’re now starting a new chapter where we find our independence a bit more from each other and that’s hard. It’s hard to accept that from this point forward my son will need me a little bit less as he continues to grow into his own person. I’ve also loved every minute of watching him grow over the past year. Which is what makes it so hard to say goodbye to watching that every minute. 

The grief of the first year coming to a close has definitely come in waves over the past few months. It’s hard not to wish I couldn't have done certain parts over or differently knowing what I know now. It’s hard not to wish I could just hang on to this year just a little bit longer. It’s impossible to fathom that it went just as quickly as everyone warns you it does. 

As hard as this is, the saying “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” comes to mind. It truly has been the most amazing year of firsts. I’ll cherish each one of them forever. It feels so overbearing as a new mom to not know what you’re doing through each of those firsts. I think looking back now that they made it that way so you can appreciate each first in the moment more not knowing what to expect of them ahead of time.

I look back on the last year and feel proud that my husband and I have come so far as parents. I don’t think either of us will forget those early days. We had to figure out our own parenting styles and figure out how we worked as a couple with a little one in the mix and we did that.

Another beautiful thing my husband and I have reflected on is how heartwarming it has been to watch our friends and family love our son. We’re blessed that they are so happy to be a part of his world and have taken such an interest in being a part of his growth. 

I’m thankful for all the new friends we met too. My son and I were lucky to meet some amazing mom & baby duos at local baby groups this past year. Moms who have cheered each other on as our babies grew. Having those other moms go from strangers in a circle to friends I could relate to especially in a time I really needed that is something I’m so grateful for. 

At the end of his first year, each day still brings something new but it’s no longer overwhelming, it's exciting. Whether it’s our son figuring out a new gesture, movement or sound. We’re starting to see the little person he’s becoming and it’s so fun to watch. I’ll forever be thankful to our son for coming into our lives and bringing us so much love and joy. I look forward to watching him grow even if it means he can’t stay little forever. 

So if you asked me how I was really feeling about my first baby turning one; I would say it's truly the most bittersweet feeling I've felt.

If you’ve felt a similar way, I see you and I relate to you on the non-small talk version of this experience. It’s really hard not to look back on their first year and want it to not be over but it’s also so exciting to look forward to what's ahead for them.