How Back To Work Is Going (so far...)

Entering the working mom phase has been a mixture of emotions for me. Last month, I was a mess even thinking about going back to work. I was unable to picture leaving my son in someone else’s care. I had so much anxiety around this transition and it was taking a huge toll on me. 

I’m now a month into being back to work. On one hand, a huge weight has been lifted after having ripped the bandaid off. I’m no longer dwelling on what might be, I'm just living it. Dealing with the change. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel any guilt. I feel immense guilt but not in the ways I thought I would. 

On my first day at the office, I sat down at my desk and had a nice hot tea while I read over some project overviews. I found myself relaxed. No crushing anxiety over how nap time was going to go. No feelings of disorderliness surrounded by a kitchen full of dirty dishes. No pile of laundry judging me from across the room. 

No, I was surrounded by a clean desk, other adults and a bathroom I could walk to… alone. 

I felt an incredible wave of guilt because I thought myself a traitor to my son for enjoying being away from him while at work of all places. 

As the day went on, I flipped through more files. Trying to catch myself up to speed. Also catch myself up to myself. Which was another weird thing. I started to remember parts of who I was that I had forgotten about. 

I forgot about the way I got excited to think of creative solutions to work related challenges. I forgot about the colleagues I used to enjoy having a chat with around the coffee station first thing in the morning. I forgot about this entire piece of myself that I left at the office the past year that I was on mat leave. I was getting flashbacks of this side of myself and it was extremely uplifting to remember that I have this whole other part of me outside of motherhood.

So I felt guilty again. For feeling this tear between who I had become as a mother and who I am as a working professional. I felt the pressure of the balance I was going to have to find in this next chapter of being a working mom.

By the end of the first work day, I had said my goodbyes and headed off to pick my son up from daycare. He was so excited to see me. Pick up is now my favourite part of the day. I love seeing my son with all his friends and how happy he looks exploring his new environment with other kids his age. 

I’ll admit, the first few times I started to notice how comfortable he was getting at daycare it was hard. It was hard not to compare myself and wonder if I could have been doing a better job with him at home seeing how far he has been coming skill wise in such a short period of time. It was hard to watch my son develop a relationship with another care taker and not feel like I was being replaced in some ways at first. Seeing my son lean his little head on his daycare person’s shoulder for the first time to be comforted by her at drop off was hard. It was hard not to be the one to immediately comfort him and have to leave. 

Those feelings didn’t stick around long though. I know that he’s learning so rapidly because he’s surrounded by peers his age group and has consistent examples of what the other kids are doing to go by.I am extremely grateful he has connected so well with his caretaker. 

By the end of the day, he’s still very excited to see us. We still get to spend a few hours together before bedtime. He doesn’t have any less connection to either of us. He’s learning it’s play time with his friends during the day and mom & dad time in the evening before bed and on the weekends. 

We’ve definitely still had moments of separation anxiety coming through though. We’ve had a lot of challenges with bedtime since he started daycare. The separation anxiety stage has really peaked and he has had a much harder time being alone in his crib lately. Making for a pretty tired mama and da-da…

However, overall he seems to be adapting well. He’s not screaming at drop off every morning now. He smiles at his daycare person and immediately wants to be set down to go play with all the toys most mornings.

The only other “con” we’ve been dealing with has been getting accustomed to illnesses and daycare closures. My husband and I have been sharing our resources to balance out the amount of time off we still need to take off due to illness or closure days. I had sort of assumed when I went back to work that it would be business as usual. I didn’t anticipate how much we would still need to cover for various reasons. We’re fortunate that we have some family members who can take him on the days we have advance notice but it’s been really tricky on the short notice days. 

My husband and I have actually got into little squabbles over the short notice days a few times. Not that either of us doesn’t want to spend the day with our son. More so neither of us want to have to seem unreliable to our boss. 

However, we’re learning the daycare phase is well known to most other working individuals who have kids or have had employees with kids before. We’re not special in the sense that our son is getting every illness known to man these first few months. Most people have mentioned it was at least a solid year of that for them. If not more once they start school. 

Another plus though has been coming back to work with a different lens. I find myself a lot less easily stressed out than I would have been before. I remember sweating the small stuff more before motherhood at work. I would get more easily overwhelmed with multitasking. I’ve found since I returned I’m able to handle pressure a lot more effectively. I am more task oriented and I have more patience. 

Overall, returning to work has had pros and cons for sure. I’ve found I like having work to have more balance from a mental health perspective for me personally. It’s been nice to have those hours during the day to focus on something outside of motherhood. However, it has been hard some nights to try and maintain a reasonably clean and functioning household while also trying to get everything organized for the next day. The mornings are normally a complete rat race to try and get out the door. It’s a beautiful chaos though. I think I have more energy to do it because I’m getting those hours during the day to focus on something outside of motherhood. Of course that won’t ring true for everyone. Some professions are more physically demanding than mine for sure. 

I think this is still a fun stage of life to be in though. Most of my colleagues with older kids smile when I talk about the stage we’re in right now. They have a lot of positive memories of this time with their own kids even though they agree it’s complete chaos.

If you’re about to enter this phase, I hope this little blurb about my return to work helps give you a sense that all will be okay. You will find your rhythm and it’s normal to have some road bumps during this transition.