Tips For Setting Boundaries This Holiday Season

Your cozy season outfits have come out, hallmark movie schedules are downloaded, favourite teas stocked and you’re having fun getting ready for the most magical time of year. 

The only damper in things? You picture your great aunt sitting in the same old-school chair she always sits in at your grandma’s house and envision all the unsolicited advice she’s going to spew at your next family gathering.  

This is your great aunt. She has always spewed unsolicited advice. Before you had kids, she told you how awful your new bangs looked or that you needed to find a cream for that acne of yours. 

Now that you have kids, her opinions likely irk you on a whole different level. These are your babies. They evoke an intense mama bear emotion in you that makes it nearly impossible at times to play nice when someone comes for your cubs or how you raise them in some way. 

As a child, you may have been told to be nice to your great aunt and just listened to what she said because she was an adult so you had to respect her. 

If this was the case, up until the time you had children of your own, you may have previously gone along with whatever great way she told you to live your life that day and just faked it until you made it. 

Now that you have kids, your great aunt’s disrespectful ways is a more slippery slope. You can't afford to have unspoken expectations. Being a parent is hard enough, someone implying that you're doing it wrong is very triggering. 

Examples of this kind of entitlement from family members come up in the mom groups I am part of a lot. Situations where a mom’s family member shares an unsolicited opinion about how they did or did not do something or makes some passive aggressive comment about what they would have done instead. 

Or even worse, examples of family members just flat out not respecting a parent’s wishes on what they have in place for their child’s routine or emotional well-being. 

Your great aunt might make comments like “Well I didn’t do XYZ and my kids survived” or “You’re going to spoil, ruin or screw up XYZ” if you keep doing or not doing that. 

Then you’re sitting there after her comment trying to not let the steam coming out of your ears give your great aunt a fresh facial. 

These feelings can make some parents not look forward to family events and maybe even dread them. Which is isolating and takes the joy out of our holiday season. That’s not fair. 

So, in this post, we’re going to talk about setting healthy boundaries. We’re going to empower ourselves to take our holiday season back. More importantly, we aren’t going to feel bad about it either. 

Sharing her tips & tricks with us for setting clear boundaries this holiday season is Samantha, the heart & soul behind Ottawa Valley Wellness. She practices as both a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) & Registered Holistic Nutritionist. 

Samantha is here to share some general tips & tricks for navigating boundaries this holiday season so that it isn't so much of a time of stress. 

Before we get started, I asked Samantha to first define what a boundary is from a professional perspective. Samantha says “A boundary is a limit that a person sets in regards to their own comfort level. Essentially, boundaries are rules or guidelines that are put in place to protect oneself and to allow us to feel safe in our surroundings and/or in our relationships.” 

For context, I think it is also important to understand the different types of boundaries you can set. 

~Samantha defines the various categories of boundaries below~

Emotional 

(i.e. how much of your thoughts, feelings, beliefs your willing to share)

Physical 

(i.e. personal space)

Verbal 

(i.e. how you allow others to speak to you / topics your ok with discussing)

Time 

(i.e. on how you manage your time - what you say yes to / where or who you give your energy to)

Material 

(i.e. what you allow others to borrow - what you give to others - including money)

Sexual 

(i.e. what you consent to in regards to sexual/sensual/intimate touch)

Why set a boundary? What is the impact or benefit to you? From time to time, I have gotten the impression that setting boundaries leaves people with negative emotions. As if setting personal boundaries makes you a stickler who needs to loosen up or just “learn to brush things off better.”

Samantha notes that “The impact of boundaries can vary, especially when it comes to family.”

She adds “Although boundaries are meant to create a feeling of safety, if we are placing boundaries on family members this can cause increased negative feelings and perhaps rupture the relationship.” 

Which is why I am sure many people are hesitant to set boundaries in the first place. Out of fear that they will damage a relationship. However, Samantha also notes that “Other times boundaries create clear expectations of the relationship. Boundaries act as guidelines, which can repair some relationships, and allow for that feeling of safety to occur.” 

By taking the time to learn about boundary setting and how to best implement them we can reduce the risk of damaging our relationships. Boundary setting isn’t like a reality TV show where the goal is to be more aggressive than the other person to get your point across. It does not have to be intimidating and it is an important skill. Like any skill, it will come with practice. 

Samantha also shares “When someone creates a boundary and holds to their boundary, it can provide them with a sense of freedom, a sense of agency over their own life - it gives them a voice, that perhaps in another time in their life was quieted.” 

So when does one really need a boundary to be set? As Samantha defined, a boundary is surfaced any time your personal limits have been reached in regards to a person’s own comfort level. However, there are some particular times when a boundary really should be addressed.

~Samantha highlights the following examples of times you should consider setting a boundary~

- when you find yourself rearranging your schedule and saying 'yes' when you would rather be saying 'no' - giving up your own plans to accommodate someone else - feeling like you have no choice - feeling guilty when saying 'no'

- when you are feeling a high sense of dread, worry or anxiety of seeing a certain family member or going to a certain place

-family members bringing up personal topics without your permission

-family members not respecting your wishes when you state a boundary

-you feel like you're always giving in - always doing what they want 

-family members asking for money (or other things)

-your kids saying they are feeling uncomfortable with xyz - or that they don't want to visit xyz

-allowing family members to eat your food/drink your drinks / use your stuff without asking permission first

-letting someone hug you or stand close to you while talking, despite feeling uncomfortable

-gift giving - maybe it's that they are giving gifts but you cannot afford it - or they give super expensive gifts that are outside of your financial means and you feel you have to go in debt to keep up

-others not allowing you to speak - always interrupting

-others screaming or yelling at you, perhaps calling you a nickname you don't like or that is inappropriately criticizing you or your family 

-allowing others to manipulate you into doing / saying things you do not feel comfortable with or believe in 

-having your feelings dismissed by other family members

-always making excuses for other people's negative actions

-allowing certain people to take advantage of you

-allowing other people's moods to influence your mood

So what should you do before this holiday season to be prepared to set boundaries? 

Samantha encourages to “Check in with yourself before the holiday season and review your boundaries. Think about what boundaries you already have in place. Ask yourself, are my boundaries working?”  

Samantha adds, if you don’t have any current boundaries set, think about what boundaries you would like to have in place. Ask yourself, “Do I know what my boundaries are? If not, look at the above types of boundaries and try to establish what categories your boundaries fall within.” 

Another helpful tip Samantha shared is to “Think about what you would need to make your family gathering feel safe and comfortable for you.” 

Samantha next encourages to “evaluate what boundaries you find challenging and then brainstorm what would make them easier” When it’s time to set your boundary, Samantha says to be clear and if you can, express them before you attend any family gatherings. 

When implementing boundaries, know that they may not always be successful after a first attempt. Try not to get discouraged if this happens. Samantha notes that it may take a while for some people to acknowledge and respect your boundaries. 

Samantha adds, "sometimes all you can do is repeat your boundaries over and over again. It can be helpful to have a plan ahead of time for what you will do if someone crosses / disrespects a boundary - be sure to follow through with that plan. If you’re not firm or you don’t follow through, you are showing people that these boundaries are not that important to you."

~Samantha shares an example of boundary setting for our reference below~

Boundary-  I do not want to talk about losing my job at Christmas with my family 

Scenario- Your mom brings it up in front of everyone 

~Example response~

You say, this is not the time to discuss this, we can discuss it later - mom brings it up again - you repeat, this is not the time to discuss this, we can discuss it later - mom brings it up again - you repeat, this is not the time to discuss this, we can discuss it later -  then remove yourself from that situation to keep to your boundary - that may mean going to another room or outside, or perhaps that means you need to leave. 

Samantha says you can “come up with phrases that you can respond to people with when they are asking for information or your time that crosses a boundary for you.” 

~A few example phrases might include~

"I can only stay for a little bit"

"I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I am not in a space where I can support you right now"

"I really cannot talk about that right now. It isn't the right time"

"We cannot give you money, but let's see how else we can support you"

"I cannot come this weekend, we already have other plans that we have committed too"

You might be worried that setting these boundaries is going to damage your relationships. You should know that your own needs are important. You feeling comfortable is important. You should not need to sacrifice your wellbeing out of fear that a relationship will be damaged. 

The best case scenario is that setting boundaries will positively improve your relationships. Samantha adds “sometimes the other person doesn't understand why/how their words or actions can be harmful or uncomfortable for someone else - having a conversation around your boundaries can help them better understand how they can show up for you.” 

Setting boundaries hasn’t always come naturally to me. It is something I am still actively working on depending on the complexity of the situation. However, I was recently sharing a story with a family member of a boundary that I had set with someone else. This family member told me it sounded similar to a situation she had once been in. Only, she was in the position of the person who I set the boundary with.

I asked my family member if this person had ever told her how she felt. My family member was doing a lot of speculation as to why there was tension in the first place. She told me that this individual never clearly told her why she had an issue. So she was always left wondering why they weren’t able to have a better relationship. 

We thought about what was different about our two situations. It occurred to me that by clearly articulating my boundary with this person; I was actually being kind as opposed to not telling them and leaving them to wonder why there was tension. By clearly articulating my boundary, I also gave our relationship the chance to improve. I will say it has still been a work in progress. 

My one conversation did not fix the relationship overnight but it was a start. My point is that if you’re worried about damaging a relationship by setting a boundary; you have just as much risk of damage to the relationship as not setting a boundary. When you don’t set the boundary, the relationship doesn’t have the chance to grow or evolve. 

Samantha mentions that boundary setting provides a sense of guidelines for the relationship - Boundaries create a place of safety for each person in that relationship.

There is a hiccup to boundary setting with family that has come up often in the mom or friend groups I am part of… the situation of a spouse not being on the same page about setting a boundary. 

“I just wish he would tell his mother that it bothers us when she does or says xyz.” or “I always feel like the bad guy because I have to deal with xyz because my spouse won’t.” or “I have brought xyz up a hundred times and I feel like a broken record.” 

Samantha has a few pointers for how you can approach this conversation of boundary setting with your spouse. First, she says “help them to understand why supporting you in advocating for your boundaries are important - and the impact it has on you when those boundaries are broken (provide context - our spouses are not mind readers).” 

Next, she says “understand that your boundaries may be different - for example, you may not have had a great childhood so there are certain boundaries you need in place with your parents. However, your spouse only knows them as they are now and may not fully understand or need the boundaries that you may need.” Samantha adds, “The same goes for the fact that you may have different boundaries with your in-laws than your own parents, and this could be confusing to your spouse.” 

Samantha has shared a few resources to help guide your conversation with your spouse about boundaries. 

She says “follow the DBT Interpersonal effectiveness skills to help guide the conversation.” 

I can’t believe how fitting the first technique's name is if you have a male spouse but the first approach is called DEAR MAN. 

The breakdown to use this approach is: 

D- Describe 

E-Express 

A- Assert 

R-Reinforce 

M-Mindful

A-Appear 

N-Negotiate 

The second approach is to try GIVE. Which stands for: 

G- Gentle 

I-Interested 

V- Validate 

E-Easy manner 

The third approach is the FAST approach. Which stands for: 

F- Be Fair 

A-Don’t Over Apologize 

S- Stick to your Values 

T- Be Truthful 

Visit DBT Tools for a more in-depth explanation of each of the approaches.

When it comes to having these conversations with your spouse, Samantha also reminds us to listen to their point of view. 

Has politics ever come up at your family’s Christmas Eve cocktail hour ? Are you cringing? If so, I am guessing you have witnessed a few close calls between your uncle and your grandfather over the Liberals versus Conservatives or another party. 

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable at a holiday gathering than a heated political debate between a group of fixed mindsets. 

Next time you're in a stressful family situation and things start to get heated or they escalate there are a few things you can try to help yourself stay calm. 

Samantha reiterates that you should “know your boundaries - and hold to your boundaries.” If things are starting to escalate you should remove yourself from the situation - to another room, outside, or leave.” 

Samantha shares that you can help calm your nervous system by taking a deep breath with an audible sign out. This will vibrate your vagus nerve (what the hell is a vagus nerve?)  helping you to calm down. You can go up on your toes then drop your heels to the ground or give yourself a hug / get your safe person to give you a hug. 

Samantha includes that in order to help yourself stay calm during stressful family situations you’ll need to know what / who your triggers are - avoid them the best you can. She also says it is helpful to know what you need when you are triggered and be sure to have a plan to access these tools/supports/resources. 

Samantha says another tip for maximizing your ability to handle stressful situations calmly is to try to reduce stress and make sure you are meeting all your basic needs (enough sleep, adequate nutrition, movement). Especially before the holiday season - She says “this will increase your window of tolerance to be able to tolerate the increased stress/triggers that may come with family interactions - when our window of tolerance is smaller (because we are overly stressed, not sleeping, skipping meals, are sick) we have less tolerance to deal with stressful family interactions causing us to jump into fight or flight or freeze or fawn modes.” You can also apply the DBT Distress tolerance skills.  

If you are trying to de-escalate a stressful family situation, Samantha says you can “Have everyone take a break to calm down - go outside, go for a walk/drive - and come back to the conversation at a later time.” 

Samantha says you should know that it is not your job to calm everyone down - look at how you can ground/calm yourself first (i.e. put on your air tank first) - if you are not calm it will be hard to de-escalate everyone else.

I asked Samantha if she thought the holiday season could be an opportunity to create more healthy relationships. 

She said “I think this depends on the situation - holidays can be very triggering for some people depending on the circumstance. I do think it is a great time to define, communicate and hold to boundaries with family members. This could lead to a more positive experience for oneself at family gatherings, especially if the dynamics are typically challenging - for those that create boundaries where they decide not to engage with their family, this could also be a positive experience for them.” 

As the holiday season approaches, I hope you feel ready to implement better boundaries that help you navigate difficult family dynamics. Cheers to enjoying holiday traditions during the most wonderful time of the year. May you have quality time with your family and friends which is the most important thing during holiday gatherings. 

If you are looking for some more in-depth support with boundary setting you can check out Ottawa Valley Wellness’s services or reach out to your pre-existing provider for further support.