Finding Your Parenting Bearings

Kaili, of Rooted Intention Parenting, has a unique goal to help support parents' Wellness. So naturally, when our paths crossed I thought she would be a great fit to collaborate with on a blog post. 

Kaili’s passion has always been working with children and youth. Her day job is within the field of Children’s Mental Health. When Kaili became a first time mom, she felt there were gaps in terms of the lack of supportive, positive and non-judgemental or pushy blogs and social media. 

Kaili says “It’s easy to say you’ll lean on your support system who are in your immediate circle, but when your immediate circle has their own life, their own biases and their own journey through parenthood,  you can start to feel alone. When I had my second child, I decided the lack of support was something I wasn’t willing to hold back from anymore – I knew if I was feeling it, others were, too. So, I decided that I would try out my hand in blogging, social media posts and (hopefully) unbiased, non-judgemental parental mentorship and group support.” 

I love the concept of parental mentorship. It’s kind of like an elevated mom group without the chance of judgment. Plus, the advice you’re getting is coming from an industry professional. I also feel like this mentorship concept is a fantastic solution for those in parenthood who maybe don’t have access to the village or don’t have the bandwidth to build themselves one. 

I was recently at a baby group and there was a guest Nurse. A mom asked how they could get their baby to stop sucking their thumb. The nurse said she couldn’t. Another “expert” (that mom who has everything figured out) began to pipe up and say “Well actually, (can you hear her tone) it’s all about behavior based training. You need to replace their thumb with their soother every time they exhibit the behavior." 

You know, I am a very you do you kind of gal. However, I think I will pass on pavlov'ing my kid. Although, her theory is besides the point here. These types of groups are great for the social aspect. Yet, this is an example of the type of overwhelm some parents may feel if a baby or play group is one of their only sources of advice or guidance. 

Kaili says her goal with Rooted Intention Parenting is simple. She says “ I want to create a community of support, compassion and wellness for parents who are in the trenches. My hope is that I can begin a parent-to-parent support group, individual mentorship and wrap-around care and compassion through resources, relatable blog posts and informational posts that focus on finding yourself in parenthood, moving towards the parent you hope to be (while accepting where you’re at) and empowering yourself to feel the best you can. Attachment and trauma-informed training and education runs deep in my veins, and I intend to bring that into every interaction I have with any parent who comes into this little community.” 

As we know, mentorship is basically someone more experienced passing down information or guidance to someone less experienced. 

But what is mentorship in the context of those on their parenthood journey? 

Kaili says her strategy with mentorship for parents is solely focused on empowering parents to step into the best version of themselves as a parent and a human. 

She adds “Therapy is great! Everyone should go to therapy... but what happens after you’ve done the therapy work? What do you do now? That’s where mentorship comes in. Parental mentorship doesn’t take the place of therapy and will never provide individuals with the healing that therapy can. What mentorship will bring is a different level of compassion, relatability, empowerment and support.” 

I think the difference between the two is that one (therapy) is designed to help an individual develop coping strategies for personal challenges and struggles. Whereas, mentorship is more about helping parents to reach their full potential and challenging ourselves to get to the next level of our parenting skill sets through goal setting, shared experiences, non-judgemental guidance and support. 

Mentorship has been used for a very long time in the context of our careers. Think back to your first job or when you were more junior in your field. You were likely brought up the ladder under someone else’s tutelage. Even as a more senior person in your field, you still more than likely have mentors to help you continue to elevate your skill sets. If you've ever wanted to get better at something, you’ve likely consulted a mentor. So why should parenthood, the most important roles we’ll ever have, be any different? 

There’s benefits to investing in a parenthood mentor. Kaili shares that parents would have someone who is deep in the trenches of parenthood alongside them. Whether that’s to grab a coffee and chat or talk over the phone. Either option, Kaili will be able to relate with you on the external pressures constantly cast upon us parents in a non-judgemental and unbiased way. (Yes, that means Kaili won’t try to change your mind about your own experiences.)  She also brings to the table her training and education in the Child & Youth Industry with a focus on mental health. 

Kaili shares, “Mentorship from Rooted Intention Parenting will aim to enhance your parenting skillset, your passion for attachment-based, intentional and cycle-changing parenting, all while providing you with the space you need to air out your struggles and celebrate your wins.” 

Through mentorship, you can set goals and targets for yourself as a parent having Kaili right alongside with you to empower and cheer you on to execute. 

Let’s talk about the postpartum period for a second. You might have read my post The Postpartum Freight Train.  If you had the chance to read it, you know my postpartum period was rough. I think generally speaking (especially after hearing from some readers who shared they had a similar tough experience) most of us have a bit of a challenging go during the postpartum period. 

So of course, because I am very passionate about driving more conversations around postpartum support. I asked Kaili for her advice to those of us going through the postpartum period for the first time. 

“The advice I would give all parents in their first year postpartum is... trust.” 

~Her open letter to new moms~

“To the mum who is up at 1, 2, and 3am feeding their baby, scouring the internet on how to get their baby to “sleep better”...trust. 

To the mum who is worried about schedules, milestones, sicknesses, feeding, routines, eat.play.sleep... trust. 

Trust that you are exactly what your baby needs at this moment and that you have just entered one of the most vulnerable times of your life.. And that's terrifying. I hope you can step into that vulnerability and trust that your intuition won’t lead you astray. Trust that if you don’t feel an immediate connection with your newborn.. It will come, and when it does, it will be a connection stronger than anything you’ve ever felt.  

You deserve to bask in the joy of your infant and remember the many firsts, instead of looking back and remembering how wrapped up you were in all of the pressure of motherhood. Allow yourself a night away, trust that your partner, parent, sitter, etc. will do nothing but provide your baby with what they need while you take a moment to remember who you were before motherhood, and who is still in there, don’t let yourself get buried by motherhood. You deserve that. 

To the dads.. Go easy on yourself. Birth, postpartum and the first year is so hard for parents. It will test you and your partnership to new levels, you won’t get it right away. I hope you find the compassion to give yourself some grace. Give mum some grace, too. This is hard and no one can actually prepare you for it until you’re just living it. Make the meal, warm the bottle, replenish the supplies, get the heat pack... do the things behind the scenes that take the load off of mum’s plate while she navigates this intense primitive period of the fourth trimester. 

Trust yourselves

Such beautiful words for new parents! 

Understanding That Pesky Parental Guilt...

Kaili mentioned allowing yourself to have the night away and trust others to help. Which brings on the topic of parental guilt. We’ve talked about parental guilt before on the Modern Mama Hub in the context of career balance. What about parental guilt in general? In my experience, I’ve felt parental guilt when I am away too long from our son doing things that I like to do. 

I remember the first few months after having our son I really struggled to be away for more than two or three hours at a time. I would feel rushed when I was out to get back because it made me anxious that my partner or our parents would feel burdened caring for him for longer stretches of time. I think it’s because I was really struggling to figure out our son so I assumed they would struggle with him too and I didn’t want to put that on them. 

I was also feeling like a “bad mom” for wanting more of my own time than a few hours. How could I want to be away from my baby? Was I not supposed to be strapped to him at all times? Would he not bond as well or get separation anxiety if I was gone longer? 

Well, I feel like I am somewhat more out of those trenches now. So, I can say there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your own time. It is actually way better for both mom and baby that way. Having a baby doesn't mean you need to say goodbye to all the things you love or having your own time. It just means you will need to make peace with not having full control of everything by letting your trusted village member tag in as you’re comfortable with it so that you can tag out and recharge. I know it is much easier said than done for some people. For me, it helped to start small and build my way up to longer stretches as I got more comfortable with other trusted people watching my son. 

I asked Kaili for her thoughts on where parental guilt stems from. She believes the root of parental guilt and shame comes from many different avenues.  She says “the way we were raised as children plays a huge role in whether we are guilt-driven, or shame-driven. That will pave the way to how we feel as parents when we think we aren’t patient enough, aren’t present enough...sigh. Healing takes time, and no one will ever be free from the chains of parental guilt and shame – as much as it would be nice, it’s not realistic.” 

Having an awareness of our own attachment style, our own parental activations (triggers) and being aware of how we speak to ourselves in our not-so-proudest-moments is a great start when trying to combat feelings of parental guilt. Kaili says “Even changing the language of our inner voice once in a while will make a difference in the long-run. Once in a while will turn into once a month, once a week, once a day. It takes time and effort; having self-awareness and self-compassion is the first step.” 

I next asked Kaili what the impact of parental guilt is on our kids. I had to wonder if it would rub off on our children in some way even if our guilt wasn’t overtly directed at them. I’ve always felt like children are little sponges who soak up not just new skills and experiences but the energy around them as well. 

Kaili says, “studies show that the impact parental guilt and shame has on children is that we can easily start to embody a guilt and shame approach with our children.. Continuing the cycle so when they’re adults and potentially navigating parenthood, they will likely struggle with the same feelings. Having the awareness and ability to stop and think before allowing ourselves to be engulfed by guilt or shame is not only going to benefit us as humans, but it will benefit our parenting and therefore, benefit our kids.” 

We all have a wide range of emotions and guilt is part of that range. However, it doesn’t need to be the default emotion. It should be used appropriately and not just every time something doesn’t go the way you hoped it would in parenthood. 

Kaili adds “Children have this innate sense to accept everyone at face value – What you bring to your child will be accepted beyond what you could ever imagine. When you let parental guilt and shame lead your interactions with your child, they will start to sense it. Kids want to be wanted and want to connect – All the other stuff is extras; the toys, the books, the extra-curriculars. At the end of it all, you need to allow yourself to just be with your child(ren), and not allow missed birthday parties, inability to afford different toys, or all of the extra stuff  drive the way you feel about your parenting abilities." 

I then wondered what a child might say to us as their parents if they could understand parental guilt. 

Kaili reflected to me “I’m not exactly sure what a child would say to us if they understood the guilt their parent was feeling. I know what I, as an adult child, now say to my own mum. `I hope and wish my children never have to understand the guilt and shame I have felt as a parent.’ But, if they do, I hope they also remember the softness and self-compassion I tried to learn alongside the times I was driven by guilt and shame.” 

I remember before our son was born sharing with my husband a similar thought process about some of the uncomfortable emotions our child will need to learn about and how we should handle them with our son. 

I got an idea of the approach I wanted us to take when I heard that Kristen Bell and her husband purposely argue in front of their children. Kristen Bell believes her kids should see examples of conflict and then how they resolve them. Which is an approach I really get behind. I think the same kind of concept could apply with other uncomfortable emotions like guilt. Depending on your child’s age and understanding of course. 

As humans, we all experience negative emotions and conflict. It doesn’t matter if you’re a master of emotional intelligence; we all let our emotions get the best of us from time to time. Consistently working on regulating ourselves as parents is key because you can’t expect to help your child regulate themselves if you can’t regulate yourself first. 

What is an attachment style? 

Kaili says “An attachment style is built by the way our primary caregiver(s) interacted with us as infants. Our attachment style impacts our relationships well into adulthood, as well as influences our parenting style. Attachment styles are based on the Attachment Theory by John Bowlby, a Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst. Many other Psychiatrists and Child Development Professionals have gone on to develop the theory further, but, at its core, Attachment Theory focuses on four main attachment styles.” 

                                                  Secure attachment style

Anxious attachment style (insecure)

Avoidant attachment style (insecure)

      Disorganized attachment style (insecure)

Kaili mentions, “As parents, it’s imperative that we understand our personal attachment style, and how it impacts us in our partnerships, as well as our parenting approach. Now, this is not to shift blame onto our own parents – We all know now as parents ourselves, most times, we do our best with what we know. This information is solely to help our parenting approach and thus, shape our child’s attachment style. The ideal attachment style is secure – Where your caregiver was attentive and reliable. You felt safe, valued, understood and comforted by your primary caregiver. At Rooted Intention Parenting, my goal is to help parents understand themselves and their attachment style, and how we can move forward towards building a secure attachment for their child.” 

Welcome To The Digital Parenting Village... But Where Did The Old Village Go?

While we’re thinking back to our own childhoods, let’s talk about having a village for a second. You don’t really see this type of approach as much in our generation of parenting. I personally see a lot of social media influencers create reels making jokes about how they won’t let a single person watch or sometimes even hold their child. Which is completely fine. If you’re not comfortable with others being involved on that level that’s okay. However, I have felt that it has been interesting to watch this shift from what I remember of my own childhood experience where there was a very big sense of community. 

Kaili says “Village-based parenting is slightly outdated in the sense that we don’t all just come together in our respective villages, churn butter and raise our kids together. What we are lacking from a village-based parenting perspective is the ability to feel like we can safely, and securely, rely on others to help us during vulnerable moments. There’s probably so many reasons beyond my scope as to why we have pulled away from a village perspective – but personally, I think we have moved away from it because there are so many external pressures that don’t allow us to rest as families. No one feels like they can prioritize time to come together. It’s rare, nowadays, that a family connects with another for Sunday dinners, unless it’s in the hockey arena getting mozzasticks from the concession stand. When we get home from work, we’re rushing for dinner, putting on a quick show so mum and dad can change and then it’s back out the door to make it to football, scouts or gymnastics for 6:30pm.”

It’s true, we are all on the grind of some kind. Whether it be running our households, businesses, jobs. We’re in a society that is go, go. go. 

Kaili adds “Village-based parenting forces us to be still. And as a society, we don’t do well with that. When “connection” is at your fingertips through social media – why would we prioritize face-to-face connection when we can get 2 or 3 other things done while texting our mum friend about how stressful things have been lately, and oh yeah, let’s plan dinner in a month from now…” 

I have found this for sure. As if we’ve replaced in-person connection with a “digital village.” Our phones have become a supplement to authentic connections and time spent with loved ones. “Oh, I have a lot going on this weekend. I’ll just send them a text instead” Or maybe we’re just overloaded by the thought of an in-person interaction. Due to the lack of energy a digital interaction requires in comparison, we just forfeit the thought of holding a longer tenured conversation on our couch with a friend. We can’t just walk away from them to go do five other things before we come back to respond. 

When my parents were bringing us up, it was normal in our household for someone to stop by and have a coffee on a Sunday morning or we would go see them. My dad was more of a social butterfly than my mom but none-the-less I remember people being around. In our neighborhood, people (including adults) were outside after work. I vividly remember being bored and annoyed one night with my dad . My parents got my sisters and I this driveable Corvette car. I was so excited to drive it around the block all day. Then my dad, (yet again) saw our neighbor outside and we just had to stop and talk to them (and talk and talk and talk). 

What I didn’t realize was that these neighborly conversations were a form of support for my dad as a parent. My dad’s parents weren’t very involved with us as kids. They weren’t around to help guide my dad as a parent or support him. My dad being able to connect with others in our community and share in the challenges with his peers was important for his well-being and ability to take on the pressures of parenthood. I’m not sure that he would have reaped that same benefit from a text. 

Kaili shares “Despite studies and research showing that we need community-type support, society makes it out that we have to do it all alone. Which, in turn, creates feelings of inadequacy, disempowerment from trying to keep up with so many unrealistic responsibilities, and loneliness. We’re so far from a village-based mindset, now. It might be hard to get it back. If I can even create one small corner of the internet or corner in my support group where parents can come and feel seen, heard, valued and supported.. I’ve moved us even an inch closer to having that much-needed community.”  

I would love to see a balance between the old concept of village based parenting and whatever it is we have now. I agree that we don’t need to all churn butter together. However, I do think we are lacking in the authentic connections aspect. I also feel prioritizing more in-person social activities with peers would lead to positive outcomes for us from a mental health perspective. 

I know it feels overwhelming to pack up your child(ren). I understand it can feel a bit frustrating that hanging out with friends is different after having kids. However, there is a balance to be found.

But Doesn't The Digital Village Look So Much More Appealing?

Kaili suggests “being mindful of social media platforms and to stop comparing yourself to literal millionaire mom bloggers who seem to have it all together. They don’t. It looks like they do, but they don’t. End rant. (hey, @myself, this is a direct message to you...)” 

Social media does play a huge role in our perception of parenthood. Insight into other people’s lives has never been more accessible to us. Each individual gets to choose the moments of their life they want to share. We only see the parts that person wants us to. We have no insight to all the other moments they don’t share. So it can be easy for us to think we have the full picture when we more than likely do not. 

Not having the full picture makes it easy for us to compare ourselves to a situation that falls short of reality leaving us second guessing ourselves unnecessarily. 

I’ll use myself as an example. After my diagnosis with Colitis, I myself felt a bit deceitful at times with my social media presence. I kind of threw myself into blogging because it was something I could easily do with my condition. It helped me to feel productive when I otherwise didn’t feel that way. 

During times I was feeling energetic enough for outings; I would just capture those moments as I went along. People weren’t able to see all the help I had behind the scenes while I was recovering either. They also don’t see all the medications I have been taking. They don’t know that the side effects cause difficulty sleeping. Due to these side effects, while I am awake anyways, rather than stare at the ceiling all night, blogging is what I have been doing to keep myself in a positive headspace. Yet, because you can’t see those things behind the scenes, maybe you’ve been thinking I magically pull time out of my ass that most parents don’t have and assume I have some secret sauce to parenting that gets me more time. I don’t. Other than a shit ton of help and while I’m being honest… steroids currently. This blog post is brought to you by modern medicine. 

Social media must be a contributing factor to imposter syndrome in parenthood. It’s easy for us to tell ourselves that we aren’t the real parenting deal and feel guilty when we see examples of what looks like lots of other people thriving while we’re deep in the trenches with a rough patch in parenthood. 

We mentioned that we have so much access to other people’s lives (the parts they want us to) But what about information in general? I was talking with my mother-in-law recently about this. We were talking about how today’s parents are just flooded with information. Whereas, when she was having kids, you got your information from a much smaller pool of people. 

My concern with the information overload in my experience was that it caused me to get very overstimulated and confused on what was “right or wrong”. While there aren’t a lot of “right” or “wrongs” with parenthood in general there are health or development criteria that can get skewed or fear mongered by social media. 

We can swipe through hundreds of videos within an hour telling (Do not trust my math on this) us that our baby should be crawling by now. Or we see another parent and baby duo reaching all these milestones that our baby hasn’t come close to yet and it might leave us feeling a bit behind. 

Kaili thinks “Social media could be a great tool, truly. Unfortunately, something that has so much power and so much information at the tip of our fingertips quickly turns into something that preys on vulnerable people (children, youth, new mums, sicknesses, you name it – they’ll get you hooked). 

Kaili adds “Information overload is a real life thing and no matter what you look up – you'll find that you’re doing something "wrong ". I think we, as a society, have given way too much power to the platforms which has led to more harshness and judgment, not only on ourselves, but towards others, lack of confidence or individuality and takes away our trust in ourselves and our intuition. Parenting is hard enough – getting outside opinions from grandparents, friends, siblings, aunts, uncles, gosh, even Linda at the grocery store has something to say!!! ... then add in the comment section on TikTok, the newest toy trends to keep up with for your 3-month old, only for it to change in 2 months. Beige-clothing only, be a gentle parent but not “too-gentle”. Teach them from birth to fall asleep independently, do contact naps and make sure you’re pumping X amount of oz per pump session... I could literally go on and on, but I digress. Comparison is the thief of joy and social media literally begs us to compare as mums. This is extremely impactful, especially when a mum who is at home on maternity leave budgets, who doesn’t venture out of the house much, uses social media as a way to connect with the outside world. Our self-esteem, parental guilt, shame, mental health... it can all be impacted by a single TikTok, Instagram, Facebook post or [insert preferred social media here] - if you don’t believe me, take a break from all social media for a month. Record and compare your anxiety levels when the month is over vs. before you deleted them.” 

Everything in moderation right? Yes, social media can be a great way to stay connected as Kaili suggests. Using social media just comes with risks that I don’t think are socialized enough. I feel like we all just go about our day with it and brush off the impact it might be having on us because we enjoy using the platforms. As long as we can be aware of the impact social media may be having on us or the potential impact it could have on us, we don’t allow it to replace authentic connections and we implement limits on how we are going to let social media influence us then we’ll be in a better boat.

I started to recognize these feelings of anxiety after becoming a mom using social media because there was just way too much advice that I was having a hard time sorting the advice into guidance that was tangible for me. 

Parenting Breeds Self Growth Opportunities... For Both You & Your Child

We then talked about how parents could include their children on their overall self growth journey as parents. Our job as parents is to help guide and teach our children but we are also sort of learning how to fly the plane as we go. 

I think back to my own childhood and always felt like my parents had everything together. After becoming a parent, I realized they did not. They just never let their struggles show. It got me thinking about whether it would be beneficial for kids to have some exposure to the fact that we are growing and learning too. Do they need to know all the ins and outs, probably not. However, I do lean towards the benefits of my son seeing that kind of vulnerability. I want for him to know that we as humans are always on a self growth journey of some kind. 

Kaili says “Including our children in our own self-growth journey should be second nature once you step into a place of understanding. Understanding that when you do “mess up” and yell, or lose your patience, rush your child; consequence too harshly – Whatever it may be, there is ALWAYS room to do it over. Apologies, asking for resets, explaining that everybody makes mistakes. These are all examples of attachment-based parenting that not only builds and strengthens secure attachment between a parent and child, they are also all ways to include your child in your own learning."

Kaili shares "I have an amazing example of a time that my own child, who is three years old, helped me reflect on my approach.” 

She elaborates “We were getting in the car and the kids were moving at a slow pace – For real. So, so painfully slow. It was a sunday, we were going to get groceries. I had asked them probably three times to get into their seats and still... moving s-l-o-o-o-w-w-w..."

"Finally, I used a more stern voice. I will literally never forget what they said to me..."

“Mummy, I’s was just trying to make a JOKE. I’s just a kid – you don’t need to make me go SO FAST.”

“My child literally stopped me in my tracks. They were right – why am I rushing? They are just kids. Now, this could’ve quickly turned to a spiral of guilt for making them feel sad and tearful. But, because of where I am at in my journey, I saw it as a MUM-WIN. I’ve included them in so much of my growth, that my child felt safe enough at three-years-old, to check me. Put me in my place. Win. So, I asked for a reset, I apologized, I owned it.” 

“Including our child(ren) in our journey only shows them that we are all growing and learning. There is never a time when someone is done learning – truly. It’s an amazing opportunity to show your child vulnerability, self-compassion, accountability and most of all, that you are human.” 

We’re all on our own parenting journey but we share exposure to some of the same challenges with social media, parental guilt, community and finding our bearings again from time to time. 

Give yourself the grace that parenthood is a journey and know we climb a lot more mountains than we realize in today’s times to raise these little humans. 

Pat on the back for all us surviving parents out here!

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